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All That and a Bag of Chips/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey guys, guess what? This is where you're supposed to say "What?" Got a new email account. Want to know why? Spam, got all spammed up. Anyway, I uh, picked a pretty clever password for it. Wanna guess? It's pretty clever. Wanda Dollard: Is your password "password?" Brent Leroy: Do you say something? Wanda: No. Karen Pelly: What's this muffin again? Lacey Burrows: Low fat blueberry. Karen: I'll take the banana nut. Oh wait, is that gluten free? Lacey: Oh, it's included in the price. Yes. Karen: I'll take that one. Karen (phone): Hello. Davis Quinton (phone): Did you get my muffin? Karen (phone): I'm getting it now. Davis (phone): Make sure it's gluten free. Karen (phone): I don't have time to cut keys. Davis (phone): What? Karen (phone): Wait, you're breaking up. I'm going outside. Davis (phone): Gay pride? Karen (phone): It's gluten free. Yes, I'm sure, I asked her. Lacey: Karen, you walked out without paying for your muffin. Karen: Oh, sorry. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Hey, it's a muffin-stealing cop. Karen: Who said that? Fitzy: I said it. Oscar Leroy: What's going on? Fitzy: Karen stole a muffin. Karen: I did not! Lacey: It's no big deal. I stopped her before she got away. Karen: Got away? I just forgot. Oscar: Right, I just forgot to pay my taxes. Emma Leroy: I paid them. Oscar: What did you do that for? Karen: Look, I'm paying for the muffin now. It's no big deal. Lacey: It could happen to anybody. Karen: Has it? Lacey: No. Hank: Just so you know, I changed my password. For no reason. Not because you guessed the first one, 'cause you didn't. Wanda: Then why did you change it? Hank: I uh, none of your business. Point is, you'll never crack this one. Not that you cracked the last one, which you didn't. Ha, ha. Wanda: Got it, I'm in. Brent: What's his new password? Wanda: "Not password." See the trick is to think like Hank. Get inside his head. Wanda: Hello? Hello? Wow, it is roomy in there. Hank: Hey, did you guys just see that tumbleweed roll by? Oscar: Who's that for? Emma: Oscar, I don't want to shock you but you have a son. Oscar: How could I forget? He's always over here mooching. Drinking our drinks, fooding our food. Emma: Fooding? Oscar: Eating our eats. He's a no-good freeloader. Emma: There's good freeloaders? Brent: Who's a freeloader? Hey, free meatloaf. I'll have a load of that. Emma: Hi mother, nice to see you. Brent: Is grandma here? Hey, pass the gravy. Oscar: Freeloader. Davis: Harmless looking, isn't it? Karen: I didn't steal it. Davis: Exactly, that's what you tell the press. We don't make a big deal because it isn't a big deal. It's just a muffin. So, now I'm gonna enjoy it. I can't do it, it smells like scandal. Karen: Fine, I'll eat it then. Davis: Sorry, might be evidence. Brent: I saw Jughead do this once and I thought it was brilliant. Emma: The next time you come over it might be nice if you brought something. Brent: I will, I'm bringing my laundry. It's really been piling up. Anyway, I gotta go. I'll be back later. And just as a hint, I'm in the mood for something cheesy. Emma: Freeloader. Fitzy: Hank. Got your email, thanks for letting me know you're a moron. I forwarded it on like you asked. Hank: What? Emma: Got your "moron" email, Hank. I always suspected you were but it's good to know. It's also good to know that you think Wanda's a foxy genius. Hank: I think I'd remember me sending an email about me being a moron. but who'd send an email about Wanda being a foxy genius? Emma: Well, it seems pretty obvious. Hank: Oh, I agree, it's totally obvious. But just as a time saver, could you tell me? Davis: Oh look, could you hide those muffins? I don't want it to freak Karen out. She's a little rattled from earlier. You know, the muffin thing? Lacey: What muffin thing? Davis: Ha, ha, that's really nice of ya, Lacey. But the whole town's talking about it. Davis: And I said "We all pay for muffins, Karen. Just because you're a cop, you're not above the law." Davis: Just walked out, with a muffin in her hand, embarrassing the whole Police Department. Davis: So the quicker this dies, the better. Lacey: Hey Karen, listen. Don't worry about the whole muffin thing. Karen: Actually, I'd forgotten about it but thanks for bringing it up. Wanda: Bring up what? Lacey: Oh, the muffin she took. Wanda: Oh, right. Karen's a muffin stealing cop. Everybody, watch your pastries. Karen: Geez Lacey, what is your problem? Davis: What did I just say not to do? Hank: You sent phony emails from my account. Wanda: How could I? Your password's far too clever to figure out. Hank: Yeah, well it is this time. I changed it. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, this'll take about four seconds. Probably changed your password to "changedmypassword." Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hmm, OK. How about "notoldpassword?" Ha, getting a little tricky there are ya? OK well, let me think. Mmm. Hank: Now who's the foxy moron, genius? Brent: Looking forward to having lasagna for dinner tonight. Emma: I'm not making lasagna. Brent: Macaroni and cheese? Emma: No. Brent: Cheese and macaroni? Remember I said something cheesy? Maybe I should have rubbed my hands together when I said that. Emma: I'm not making anything. Oscar: We're coming over to your place. Brent: Ha, ha, ha, ha. This is a terrible idea. Emma: And I want a real cooked meal. Nothing microwaved. Oscar: Or out of a box. Emma: Or take-out. Oscar: Or squeezed from a tube. Brent: So, pot-luck then? Emma: We'll see you at six. Oscar: And here's a hint. We're in the mood for something cheesy. Brent: Sorry, there's a new "pay first" policy. Karen: Really? Brent: Yeah, all the gas stations are doing it now. Karen: So, this has nothing to do with the muffin run? Brent: No, but that's a good example of why it's happening. Karen: Hmm. Well, did you make Lacey pay first? Brent: No, it's a new policy, you're our first customer. Karen: Of course I am. Lacey: Hey Karen! Brent: It really is an unfortunate coincidence. Brent: Well, the closest thing I've come to cooking is toast. Hank: Hmm. So, what are you gonna make them for dinner? Brent: I'm not sure. Either braised duck with lemon herb risotto or a bowl of Capt'n Crunch, I haven't decided. Wanda: Damn it! Hank: Ha. OK, I'll give you a hint. Wanda: Stuff your hint. I can figure it out without your stupid hint. OK, give me a hint, but just the first letter. Hank: All right, here we go. I am never gonna give Wanda my password. See what I did there? Brent: I liked that. Hank: You are kind to say. Wanda: Be aware that I will destroy you. Hank: We'll...OK, that doesn't work. Brent: I hate to say it Wanda but I think Hank has bested you. Actually, I didn't mind saying it. Hank has bested you. Hank has bested you. It is kind of funny actually. Wanda: I have not been bested. Just need to think even more like Hank. Wanda: Do you know Hank's password? Werewolf: No. Have you seen a robot around? We're supposed to fight. Hank: Who do you think would win in a fight between a werewolf and a Wanda? Lacey: Karen, I'm sorry about what happened, muffin-wise. Karen: Can you have one conversation that doesn't have the word "muffin" in it? Lacey: I am just trying to apologize. Look, I made you an apology muffin. Here, take it. I don't care, you don't have to pay for it. Oscar: Oh yeah, that's right. Karen didn't pay for that muffin. Lacey: This one's a gift. Oscar: You don't have to cover for her. She's got problems. Karen: My only problem is Lacey. I didn't even want the muffin, it was for Davis. Davis: Wow, you really set her off. Lacey: What am I gonna do? Davis: I'm surprised the whole thing hasn't gone away. I've done my bit, kept her name out of the paper. What if I arrest you for not paying a parking ticket or something? And then Karen can jump in, accuse you of breaking the law too. Ticket cancels muffin, even Steven, scissors beats rock. Lacey: Actually, rock beats scissors. Davis: You want to solve the problem or just poke holes in my solutions? Emma: Oh, hi there. Brent: Oh hi there guys. Don't worry, it won't be long here. I thought I'd try Mom's lasagna recipe. Oscar: Yeah, yeah. Call me when it's ready. Emma: Why is the blender out? Brent: To blend the cheese, duh. I thought you made this a million times before. Emma: I have but I've never used the blender. Have you preheated the oven? Brent: I have even broiled the noodles yet. Emma: You don't broil the noodles, you boil the noodles. Brent: So I was off by one letter. Emma: You have to fill a pot with water. Oscar: Dinner smells great. Brent: Thanks. Wanda: Is it "taco?" Hank: No. Wanda: Ketchup? Hank: No. Wanda: Napkin? Hank: Yes. Wanda: You lying sack of... Wanda: It wasn't "napkin." Hank: I thought you were offering me a napkin. Oscar: Mmm, mmm. Brent, this is delicious. Brent: Thank you. Emma: Well, that's because I cooked it. Brent: I'm not saying you didn't help, it was your recipe. But man alive, for my first meal, I knocked this baby out of the park. Emma: I knocked it out of the park. I cooked it. Oscar: You're a piece of work, you know that? The boy finally has us over for dinner, cooks us a delicious meal and you want to steal his thunder. Unbelievable. Brent: Salt? Oscar: None needed. You cooked it perfectly. Davis: Hey, Lacey. Lacey: Yes Davis? Davis: You forgot to pay a ticket. Lacey: Oh right, I forgot to pay a ticket. How embarrassing. Davis: A ticket for public indecency. Karen: Now we're getting somewhere. Lacey: No, no, I think you mean a parking ticket. Davis: You flashed Old Man Caruthers. Old Man Caruthers: You flashed me? Oh, I wish I could remember that. Karen: That is just sad. Lacey: What are you doing? Davis: Just roll with it. Lacey: No, I will not just roll with it. Karen: Did she flash someone or not? Lacey: No. Davis: Everyone is town has an unpaid parking ticket, it's no big deal. Who here owes a parking ticket? Who here flashed Old Man Caruthers? Lacey, hand up. Lacey: Look, we agreed on a parking ticket. So that everybody would forget about Karen and the muffin. Karen: What? Stole a Muffin Customer: That's right, you stole a muffin. Davis: Way to go, Lacey. Other Senior: Did you ever flash me? Oscar: We had a great time at Brent's dinner party the other night, oh-ho. Fitzy: I heard it was pretty good. Emma: Who told you that? Fitzy: Brent did. He said the meal he cooked was delicious. Emma: I cooked it. Fitzy: Brent said you would say that. Emma: Oh really? What else did he say? Fitzy: Well, that you were kind of an ungrateful guest. Oscar: Yeah, you were kind of ungrateful. I, on the other hand, was a delight. Emma: Don't think you're gonna come to our place for a meal anytime soon. Brent: Well, that's an odd thank you for what some people are calling the dinner party of the year. Emma: I cooked it! Brent: That's not what I heard. Hank: Hey, cracked my password yet? Wanda: No. Boy, you are loving this aren't you? Hank: Yeah, I was until I forgot my password. Wanda: Please say you're joking. Hank: I'm joking. Wanda: You're not joking. Hank: No. Wanda: I'll give you a thirty second head start. Hank: Thanks. Wanda: Thirty! Oscar: Pass the salt. Pass the pepper. Pass the salt again. Emma: Is there a problem with dinner? Oscar: No offense, it's just that this is bland with a capital "blah." Emma: Well, it's a good thing you said "no offense" or I'd be really angry. Oscar: It's just that we had such a good meal at Brent's. It's hard to come back to this same old, same old. Emma: Well, if you had such a great meal at Brent's, why don't you take your cranky old ass over there to eat? No offense. Hank: Did you get it yet? Wanda: No, it's not easy thinking like you. Hank: Hey, I know. Since you're thinking like me, I'll think like, um... Wanda: Like me? Hank: Nah, I'll think like me too. Hank: Ah, cool. That's what it's like in here. Wanda: How is this helping? Werewolf: All right, Blondie. You and me, right now. Wanda: Bring it! Hank: Get him Wanda. Go for the eyes! Wanda: Let me guess, me and a werewolf? Hank: Yeah, you're holding your own. Phil Kinistino: Compliments of the lady at the end of the bar. Lacey: Hi Karen. Karen: Send it back. Phil: Here you go. Lacey: Oh, come on Karen, come back to the Ruby. I'll buy you lunch. Davis: You're only making it worse. Every time she sees you, it reminds her of that time she stole the muffin. Karen: I didn't steal it! Davis: Hey, don't tell me, tell Lacey. She's the one who won't let it die. Karen: I don't need your charity. I have my dinner right here. Come on Davis, let's go grab a table. Lacey: Phil, put whatever Karen is eating or drinking on my tab. Phil: Hmm? Lacey: Put it on my tab, don't let Karen pay for it when she leaves. Oscar: Hey, what's for supper? Brent: Shouldn't you be asking Mom that? Oscar: She cooks like crap. Come on, what's on the menu? We're starving. Brent: We? Fitzy: Hey Brent, I brought wine. Brent: Thanks. Fitzy: I was just about to go home and microwave a pizza pocket when I bumped into Oscar. Oscar: Brent can make you something better than a pizza pocket, right? Brent: Yeah, because I'm a great cook. You know what? I'm out of coriander. I'll just go grab some. Oscar: You hear that? Fancy, coriander. Fitzy: Coriander gives me gas. Brent: I meant cilantro. I'll be right back. Karen: I think everyone's staring at me. Davis: Nah, it's all in your head. Karen: Everyone wants to get a load of the muffin stealer. Davis: Why don't we get outta here? Karen: Good idea. Look, everybody. I'm going to pay for my drinks now, OK? Everyone watching? How much do I owe you? Phil: Ah, Lacey paid for your drinks. Karen: What? Phil: I don't know. She said something about you leaving without paying. Karen: Unbelievable! Davis: I believe it. Brent: Hey, Mom. Um, listen, I just wanted to say that I was way outta line with that whole dinner party thing. Emma: No, you were way outta line. Brent: Well, that is what I said. But regardless, I'm sorry and I brought you a bottle of wine. Emma: Oh, thanks. Brent: Hey, is that tuna casserole? Emma: Would you like some? Brent: Yes please. Emma: Uh, uh, uh. Only if you do the dishes afterwards. Brent: Done. Emma: And only if you have us over for dinner occasionally. Brent: Can I have it catered? Emma: Yes. Brent: Can you cater it? Emma: No. Brent: Geez you're fussy. Emma: Have you seen your father? Brent: Uh, he said something about dinner with Fitzy. Fitzy: I could have had this at home. Oscar: Shut up and pass the salt. Brent: Hey guys. Figure out the password yet? Hank: No, but we're close. Wanda: No we're not. Hank: We know a lot of words that aren't the password. Brent: Mind if I try? Wanda: You? Look if I can't figure... Brent: And I'm in. Wanda: What? What is it? Brent: Your pet's name. Hank: Wiggles? We tried that. Brent: No, literally the words "Your pet's name." Hank: Ha. Wanda: I have to admit, I was not prepared for that level of stupidity. How did you crack it? Brent: I just had to think like a Hank who was trying to outsmart a Wanda. Plus, I was standing beside Hank when he typed it in. I believe you've got email. Wanda: "Hank and Wanda are morons and Brent is King Stud of all time." Brent: Of all time. Lacey: Hello? Karen: Oh hey, Lacey. I just wanted to thank you for buying my round of drinks last night. Things between us got carried away. Lacey: They did but I'm glad we're OK now. Karen: Anyway, here's the tab from the bar. Lacey: Whoa, how much did you drink? Karen: Well, I only had two beers and Davis had a couple of beers. Oh, and everyone else in the bar had a couple of rounds. Oh, and then that rugby team showed up and they were thirsty. Lacey: Oh well. I don't mind paying, a deal's a deal. Karen: Hey Lacey, um, speaking of paying, did you pay for those chips or did you steal them? Oh, hey, look everybody! It's the chip-stealing restaurant owner. Lacey stole some chips. Lacey stole some chips. Wanda: Hey, you forgot your toonie on the counter. Lacey: It's for the chips. Wanda: OK. Category:Transcripts